Unmasking the Madman: Batman’s True Identity


Dylan Self

                For centuries, the residents of the world have always thought that the playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne was Batman himself. However, this statement is false. Mr. Christopher Apple, a humble teacher at Carbondale Community High School takes up the mask. He not only protects the city of Gotham, but protects the city of Carbondale, Illinois. Batman was always thought to be Bruce Wayne, because he lives in the city of Gotham, never to be seen at the same time as Batman. While this is a believable misconception, it was the perfect cover for Mr. Apple’s identity as Batman to remain secret. Little did the public know that Mr. Apple and Bruce Wayne were partners in saving Carbondale. Bruce Wayne provided Mr. Apple with breakthrough technology such as the batarang, batmobile, and grappling hook. Mr. Wayne was behind the brains of batman, but the physique of batman was carefully sculpted by Mr. Apple himself. He hides under the cover of being a throwing coach to avoid any suspicion from the public about his rigorous weight routine. Mr. Apple is the strongest man in the world, a title he has trained many long years for. Unfortunately, because he is Batman, he does his world record lifting in the confines of the batcave to avoid unwanted attention. When he lifts weight in public, he pretends like he can only lift a fraction of what he truly can. Mr. Apple’s daily workout to maintain his physique as batman is as follows:

      100 repetitions of bench pressing his baby elephant (2,187lbs)

\      1,000 pushups using no hands or legs

      Two laps around the equator (49,802 miles)

      30 Minutes of ninja training

      200 Jumping jacks

      100 repetitions of squatting Applett (baby elephant 2,187 lbs)

      And to finish it off, he plays a few matches of online, ranked Just Dance matches (master rank)

              After Mr. Apple finishes his workout, he gets in the batmobile, and starts his long commute to Gotham. Before he arrives at Gotham City however, he stops by Mr. Dunn’s house. Mr. Dunn, also known as Robin, helps Mr. Apple fight crime in the town of Gotham city. Together they make a dynamic duo, able to stop every villain they come across. All except for one that is. Sly as a fox, tricky as a rabbit, and as cool as ice, the Joker evades capture. Mr. Apple and Mr. Dunn can never seem to apprehend the Joker for his crime: not working enough in class. Who is the Joker you may ask? Well it is none other than the notorious surviv.io champion, Dylan Self. Hated by teachers all around for honing his skills in class, Dylan took to the life of crime, playing surviv.io in the shadows, all the while dodging various due dates. The penalty for his crimes are simple: make up work paired with a late grade and strict scolding. With this incentive not to be caught, the Joker slips away into the night time after time, leaving Batman and Robin with a sour taste in their mouths. Now it’s time for the story of how Batman’s true identity was revealed.

Batman and Robin were hot on the Joker’s tail, one chilly winter night. However, they did not know that the Joker and his honey, Harley Quinn were leading them into a trap. The Joker and his babe were escaping on foot down a small alleyway, but oh no! A dead end.

“We’ve got you now”, chuckled Apple quietly.

“Yes, indeed” added Dunn.

“That’s what you think,” cackled the Joker, as cages fell out the sky, capturing Batman and Robin. “Harley, reveal their identities,”said the Joker.

Harley nodded and ripped of the masks of both Batman and Robin. Their identities were revealed.

“Oh, Mr. Apple, and Mr. Dunn, what a surprise,”said the Joker. “This will be going all over terrier news and social media.”

Harley Quinn and the Joker posted the true identities of Batman and Robin to the interwebs, and slipped away into the night, probably to go fail their packages.

“Rats,” Apple said, “foiled again.”